SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES
I used to believe that fitting in was better than standing out.
I believed this for the same reason people, people-please. Out of fear.
Fear of rejection; invisibility; danger or lack of safety; that we are perpetually outside of our area of competence.
I did then what I knew how to do.
Know that I know better,
I do better. - Maya Angelou
Prior to becoming a Life Coach, I held primarily client-facing roles in corporate America. In those roles, the #1 rule to remember is, “Everyone wants to be acknowledged & feel important.” Yet, there were always select clients/people who demanded more. Individuals who wanted to be the most important.
These demanding individuals mandated a standard of care that postured there were no other clients. They were the only 1. Priority #1.
The ‘only 1’s’ were known as ‘special snowflakes’.
Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity & wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness.
- Greg Anderson
Special snowflakes is a term often used to describe people who are needy or difficult. It’s generally a derogatory reference.
The thing about special snowflakes though, is we ALL are one. We just haven’t learned how to deal with it, yet.
Each of us IS unique…
has our own standards for care…
and our own experiences & reasons for who we are & why we need how we do.
Where people-snowflakes are akin to actual snowflakes is in personal appreciation. For instance, some people hate the snow, liking nothing about it. I get it, but as a snow lover, I also do not get it.
Similarly, while some love the snow & others DO NOT. Some happily own their needs, while others hate the idea of being thought of as needy or difficult.
When working with people whose standards overtly suggest special needs. The issue isn’t that they feel special about themselves.
There is no issue with having standards. Preferences. Particularities. Boundaries. Or, personal truths. Knowing these doesn’t make one negatively needy or difficult. It is healthy to acknowledge who one is & what one needs.
The issue, however, rests in the relationship to agency & boundaries. It rests in taking issue with others’ different standards because we aren’t comfortable with our own (standards). Because we aren’t comfortable believing we are special or deserving of specialness.
When we aren’t comfortable accepting our own specialness, we can be unfamiliar with how to respond to those who claim it or unsure of how to react in situations that require special considerations.
You are here to decide if your… world
is true & beautiful enough for you. And if not & you dare to admit it is not, you must decide if you have the guts, to burn to the ground that which is not true & beautiful enough, & get started building what is.
- Glennon Doyle
The issue with ‘needy people’, ‘special snowflakes’, or the ‘difficults’, isn’t that those who are, hold standards inappropriately. It’s that when we find special snowflakes unpalatable, it’s because we don’t know how to be with them. And, we don’t know how, because we haven’t yet learned stability in responding within our own standards.
The issue isn’t other people’s standards. They’re theirs. We don’t have to indulge them. There are ways to address what we CAN & CANNOT be with about them. But, when in conflict about having the audacity to exercise our full humanity in the presence of another’s, therein lies the issue.
The issue is in learning to relish safely being whole when another is exercising their wholeness, too.
The issue is with…
resentment that others feel entitled to be special… because we don’t feel welcomed in that same entitlement.
inferiority to others’ high standards… because we doubt our ability & capacity to make or meet high standards.
insecurity in others’ demands… because we make it something demeaning about us if we don’t play along.
oppression with others’ assertiveness… because we don’t feel empowered to assert Self, get creative, or draw a boundary.
Your problem is you’re too busy
holding onto your own unworthiness.
- Ram Dass
The truth is, we’re all special snowflakes. Those who seem demanding. And, those who like to believe they are not.
No one is better or worse. We just move differently. We are just different.
We’ve all been in unfamiliar situations before. Through the grace of time, we’re gifted the opportunity to learn how to move through them. Dealing with people’s nuance is no different.
When it comes to engaging needy or high-standard people, I try to focus on myself & what my area of competence is. That it is, & has always been, my capacity to meet people where they are in their intensity AND indifference. As well as knowing when I Can’t or Won’t.
For special snowflakes, the presence of passion, which can materialize in any form of intensity (e.g. assertiveness, audacity, directness, desire, etc.) indicates a deep need. The opportunity is to decide whether or not you can meet it.
For this reason, when dealing with different personalities, I always try to remember that to every effect there is a cause. Even for special snowflakes. For them, I find it is proactivity, security, the need for trusted partnership, transparency, & a particular level of care. Not too much to ask in my opinion.
Love & compassion are necessities.
Without them, humanity cannot survive.
-Dalai Lama
Creating softness around special snowflakes allowed me to notice my boundaries with it, determine my capacity to meet the intensity of such behavior, & reflect on it in the context of “Everyone wants to be acknowledged & feel important”. In remembrance of this, & through reflection, I took a moment to see if I could ‘get it’, without getting it.
I took a pause to consider, I might not know another’s reason for high standards. But, do I need to know it in order to see where I may hold some of my own? Do I need to specifically get their standards in order to relate to the need in having them for myself?
The answer: NO.
I only needed to identify:
1.) If the judgment of special snowflakes is because I truly cannot relate to the need for individual standards?
2.) Where, in the judgment of special snowflakes, was I possibly holding others to my standards?
The answer: I can relate to having standards & the judgment is due to holding Others to mine.
A standard to…
act a certain way
accept certain treatment
be accommodating
allow (what to them could be) mediocrity
be who I need them to be in order to feel stable inside of myself
enforce that Other people-please, Me
I was holding a standard that perceives special snowflakes as having something negative about them. And in the process, excluding myself from its behavior as something superior about me. In that, at least I wasn’t one; a special snowflake.
Neener, neener, neener!
And there in the light of diversified humanity & cattiness, I saw my hypocrisy.
I saw that in clutter, I enforce organization & cleanliness.
I saw that in connection, I necessitate boundaried accessibility.
I saw that in confusion, I require honesty.
I saw that in chaos, I impose ask before assume.
I saw that in relationships, I demand reciprocity in loves give AND take.
I saw that in communications, I relish directness, the right to be it & to translate or not.
I saw that in disappointments, I command a need to express them & often a need for space.
I saw that in my standards, I AM also & often a special snowflake.
I am just like them, for better or worse, driving against society’s coercion to fall in line & adhere to sameness.
I, too, am needy in my own ways, & in certain areas, hold high standards, which feedback indicates, do not always please others, because they do not include people-pleasing.
I am also doing my best to live authentically, just like I believe others are, but according to how it services the special snowflake in Me. And, for no other reason, I can at minimum honor the right for others to same.
So, maybe being a special snowflake isn’t negatively needy or difficult. After all, not everything is for us. But, that doesn’t make it holistically bad, wrong, or in need of correction.
What challenges us is an opportunity to learn from challenges & how to appreciate difference.
Being a special snowflake, we learn how to live more. BE MORE.
In appreciation for MORE, we get to watch others exercise humanity, soar, and achieve incredible, special things that inspire us to know there is incredible & special possible for us, too.
We learn to respect the courage it takes to stand out like a snowflake does.
We learn how to bring our own flair of elegance to being shamelessly, flamboyantly unique.
And that is the Dirty Pretty.
Be good to yourself for fucks sake.💋
With Blessings,
