EMOTIONAL ENTITLEMENT

I used to get mad at Scott for not practicing what I thought was commonplace thinking. 

Things like leaving clothes on the floor, placing dishes in the sink above the dishwasher, & ignoring the kitty litter would send me to emotional extremes. I would be offended. I was put out by repeating requests. I felt hurt & ignored. As a result, I’d become furious with him, give the silent treatment, & before getting married, I even threatened break-ups when I didn’t feel I was being treated fairly. 

Of course, much of this behavior came from my insecurities, abandonment wounds, emotional dissociation, extreme experiences & authoritarian upbringing.

It was a lot of projection.
I’m not saying it was right.
But, it did happen.

Have you ever had hurt feelings because another didn’t automatically do what you had hoped?

Have you ever thought that someone who loves you, should automatically know what you need without asking? 

In such instances, when what you wanted didn’t happen, were you upset at asking for what you thought you shouldn’t have had to?

Placing expectations on others to innately understand us is the source of our disappointment when they don’t. 

Yes. Hoping without results is disappointing. But, the true upset is investing our hearts in an outcome we are unwilling to make every effort ourselves to secure. It’s the stubbornness of drawing a line in the sand, dictating that others automatically know how to please you, & then condemning if/when efforts fail. It’s a sign of emotional entitlement as a result of magical thinking.

Expecting our needs to be obvious to the World without explicit communication is magical thinking.

Magical thinking is essentially holding others & the Universe accountable for our happiness. It’s demanding what we want to have happen & sometimes, without doing anything to secure it. It’s relying on hope with synchronicity vs hope with intentional action to help things go our way. 

While having a strong will is known to create resilience, expecting what we want without intentional effort doesn’t work. Dropping hints might get us closer, but it still doesn’t deliver the same way directness & action do. And even then, asking & acting are not error-proof.

Manifestation isn’t magical thinking or without error.

Manifestation is an energy + action effort. It is intent combined with congruent actions designed to support an outcome. It’s taking responsibility for a result, even if it doesn’t turn out, & even when the responsibility feels shared.

If you’ve ever seen The Break-up with Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston, you’ll get this next reference. It’s wanting Gary to want to do the dishes without making the desire known & while ignoring why he wouldn’t just know or want to do those dishes. It’s issuing a request when it is what WE want without consideration for other’s capacity. It’s disregarding that what we want may not be shared, possible, obvious, or doable without guidance & thus, error.

Making demands without personal accountability or regard for personal capacity is emotional entitlement.

This past week, while watching Couple to Throuple on Peacock in a period haze, I watched my past Self come out in one of the cast, Rehman. 

In an emotionally charged moment, Rehman became upset when their partner failed to notice their distress—ironically, while the partner’s eyes were closed. Not only did Rehman have the opportunity to make their discontent known, but it was the rule to do so in this particular engagement. Yet, due to expecting their partner to intuitively recognize their boundaries without having to express them verbally, Rehman chose silence, leading to a feeling of invisibility and growing contempt. This chosen unspoken expectation over direct communication resulted in a missed chance to foster transparency and deepen relationship. Feeling misunderstood and unloved, Rehman’s harbored resentment towards their partner for failing to sense their needs became exacerbated by not taking accountability for speaking about what they needed & felt.

I used to be like this - harboring resentment towards others for causing me pain I thought they should have anticipated would. I felt my anger was justified, provoked by what seemed -to me- clear offenses. But the need to explain my grievances or translate reactions fueled indignation, & appeared to me as a sign of a relationship with unbalanced, unequal affections. That is until I realized…

It is hypocritical to hold others responsible for sensing & delivering needs that we are unwilling to declare & secure for Self.

Assuming others understand our needs and feelings without us expressing them reflects a lack of humility & an unrealistic expectation of perfection in human understanding. This mindset demands others to know us as well as they know themselves, ignoring the reality that we often struggle to understand our own needs, much less anticipate those of others. 

Expectation is a byproduct of perfection. Perfectionism. Expectations, fueled by this demand (for perfection), are inherently risky and unpredictable, setting us up for disappointment when they are not met.

The real issue isn't having expectations but failing to consider how we'll cope if they're unfulfilled. 

The key to mitigating unfulfilled expectations is communication—actively asking for what we need. By making desires obvious & known - think paint by numbers. However, this requires overcoming the habit of deprioritizing our own needs, & can lead to a diminished ability to identify & articulate them, which when we don’t know how to do so, is what puts the responsibility on others. 

This fear of fulfillment, or placing the onus on others or the universe to meet our needs, undermines our self-reliance. It invalidates our ability to feel valid. To counteract this, we must learn to discern our desires, understand their value, and be honest with ourselves to either fulfill these needs independently or seek help when necessary.

Accepting our sound judgment helps us see that intense emotional reactions may signal a denial of our own integrity.

Experiencing anger during moments of openness often points to a history where expressing needs and truths led to conflict, disappointment, or threat. This fear of confrontation can trigger defensive reactions—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—diminishing our ability to communicate confidently. Struggling to express ourselves clearly and calmly may signal we're at our limit in conveying our feelings, leading to difficulty in articulation.

Expression paralysis, or inability to speak, often stems from feeling unworthy of love, unworthy of having our needs met, past dismissals, & learned self-restraint due to perceived limitations. This freeze in communication & the intense emotional response it triggers (e.g. blame, contempt, resentment, shame, guilt, manipulation, etc.) when others fail to intuitively understand our needs can be traced back to a deeply ingrained belief that our desires are invalid. Despite this, we all have needs. Our fundamental wishes persist, & fighting for the right to have them ignites a deep-seated frustration reminiscent of a child's anger, resulting in extreme reactions due to an ingrained expectation of perpetual disappointment.

Accepting our sound judgment involves love - embracing our feelings and seeking inner validation for them.

When life is approached with curiosity over disdain, truly engaging with our desires or the requests made of us, is about respecting limits - not demanding obedience or clairvoyance. Even if others lack curiosity towards us, we can maintain a gentle & serene demeanor. This isn't a sign of weakness but a reflection of alignment & inner peace.

Recognizing our capacity to respect, maintain, & share stems from alignment with our true selves. Self-awareness & choosing a life path that honors well-being reflect this understanding. The way we handle similar, dissimilar, clear & confusing requests and responses with care, shows the extent of love in our Self-relationship. Without a foundation of gentleness and empathy for our needs, we can experience a lack of emotional depth & comfort in declarations & interactions.

Being guided by love affirms its presence within us, inspiring our expressions to be acts of love.

Approaching life & all its beings with a loving perspective fosters curiosity, humility, transparency, and awareness. It enables us to view life romantically. It also encourages us to respect other’s life choices, their capacity, and their sense of dignity and mutual respect.

Choosing actions that fill us with pride and align with a framework of love enables us to embody and experience love's true essence. This approach allows us to perceive, accept, and trust in love, both within ourselves & in our interactions with the world.

Embracing sound judgment with openness leads to sharing with openness.

Embodying transparency reflects a genuine understanding that giving AND receiving are sacred acts. Both to give & to receive deserve the attention that allows them to become apparent, not hidden & then weaponized. This realization stems from recognizing clarity as love’s language that fosters meaningful connections.

Clarity grants us the liberty to express our needs, & view life as a romantic expression. It reveals that our projective reactions to disappointment signal a profound need for self-validation. Love. Deep, unalterable self-love to trust what we need is allowed & doable. Acknowledging the truth, even when painful or unwelcome, becomes an act of love, facilitating strong bonds or healthy separation.

THIS ISN’T CHEESY. THIS ISN’T WOO. THIS IS SCIENCE.

Your brain likes what it knows because what it knows, what has proven results & what it can reasonably predict is what it can trust. What we reasonably believe can be trusted translates as what is likely to keep us safe. But if what keeps us safe is perceived as a habit of getting upset at others & condemning them for not knowing our needs, how safe are we when we find ourselves constantly hurt by our own expectations?

Clarity comes from learning authentic self-love & how to be centered in it.

Validating needs with insight on how to fulfill them for Self, is the shit that’s going to balance you out, give you stability & fuel quicker, easier, aligned discernments. It’s what’s likely to create healthy & coherent relationships. Appreciating clarity with ourselves, & creating it with others allows everyone involved to make conscious decisions about whether or not the connection is healthy & fair for all parties.

Through loving individuation, we learn to honor our convictions & recognize the diverse capabilities of humanity with more curiosity, & less contempt. This path encourages us to view discerning, setting & sharing boundaries as an act of love, deepening our relationship with ourselves & others, or at least, enhancing our understanding of how to navigate them with fairness, fortitude, & grace.

When we struggle to self-validate what brings us peace but find ourselves lashing out at others for failure to secure it, it is wise to review the levels of our dependency on others for happiness and fulfillment.

The raw moments of discontent—when we find ourselves blaming, aggressive, or feeling isolated—can be useful wake-up calls to understand where emotional demands or emotional entitlement is afoot.

With fierce love, we can dive deep into why we hesitate to stand confidently in our power, capable of meeting our own needs, to see where the struggle to self-validate is occurring & why it exists. Not to belabor flaws. As a powerful indicator of where external expectations are superseding personal responsibility via an inability to trust Self in our authenticity.

Understanding emotional entitlement, & where it occurs without awareness or accountability, is crucial for differentiating between relying on our community as a loving place for additional support, versus expecting it to shoulder the full weight of our love, our responsibilities, our security, and our stability.

In summary:

- Acknowledging personal responsibility in conveying our needs prevents disappointment when others fail to intuitively understand us.

- Emotional entitlement, expecting others to automatically fulfill our desires without explicit communication, limits personal growth and relational harmony.

- Magical thinking, the belief that others or the universe are responsible for our happiness, undermines the value of intentional action and personal effort.

- True manifestation combines energy with action, emphasizing the importance of taking responsibility for our outcomes, regardless of shared responsibilities.

- Personal accountability is crucial in expressing needs and desires, avoiding resentment and unrealistic expectations of others' understanding.

- Recognizing the need for clear communication and personal effort in fulfilling desires empowers us to navigate relationships and expectations more effectively.

- Accepting our judgment and understanding our feelings as valid supports inner peace and healthier self-expression, even in challenging emotional landscapes.

- Approaching life and relationships with curiosity and openness fosters a loving and empathetic stance toward ourselves and others, enhancing mutual understanding and respect.

- Love-oriented actions and expressions, guided by self-awareness and alignment with a loving framework, enrich our lives with meaningful connections and deep fulfillment.

- Embracing transparency and honesty in sharing and receiving highlights the sacredness of interactions, encouraging a culture of clarity and loving communication.

- Understanding our emotional triggers and entitlement fosters a journey towards authentic self-love and centeredness, improving relationship dynamics and personal well-being.

- Distinguishing between seeking support from our community and imposing our emotional needs on others clarifies the path to genuine self-reliance and mutual respect in relationships.

Introspective asks:

Reflect on your demands for people to know what you need & when.
What are the demands you hold in relationship?
Who are they with?
Would you consider such demands reasonable if posed to you?

In a relationship, where & with whom is emotional entitlement cast upon you, & where & with whom do you apply it?

Be good to yourself for fucks sake.
Live an honest life.
Do the next right thing.💋

With Blessings,